Head down

Great! That is how the world around me feels, not. Apart from a random reference to 90’s sub culture slang, party on and all that schizzle, this feeling has been with me since my lunchtime walk. Actually come to think of it there has been a lurking all week.

It could be post holiday, nothing really exciting on the horizon for some time, blues. I guess the problem when existing as a lone entity who is obsessed with the pursuit of happiness above anything else, a crash from time to time is required.

What has caused this though? One obvious thing is an ex, who I get on with very well still, has happily announced her new relationship. I have known for ages, as it has been under the radar for some time and no I’m not upset as she is my ex.

I’m happy for her and the reason we split up was because we put each others happiness ahead of our own. Sounds daft but we are friends, nothing more though. We found this out after half a year, so before it got bad or nasty we split up. Sounds odd I know but to ensure our future friendship we had to stop being together in that way.

So no I’m not upset she has found happiness, but I guess it has made me question whether my choice of being single really is correct. Am I too much of a coward? Is commitment something I’m scared of? Am I just a bloody chicken? Is my heart too weak to risk being broken? Oh I don’t know and I hate not knowing, (the OCD part of me really detests that).

This tends to happen when I have too much time to think and with work being boring and so far from challenging, 17 years in the same job does that no matter how much it changes / develops. Perhaps a stupidly long, hard bike ride is needed. A visit from the man with the hammer might just be the ticket. I have no plans tonight after work so maybe the ride home should be the perfect opportunity, Friday nights have long since gone from having any regular social meaning.

I shouldn’t moan though, I have chosen this path in life and everyone has bad along with the good, I just need to ride it out. Easier said than done as always…

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